It happened every time I tried my best, saw a good day and felt a renewed sense of strength. He was there to remind me -- I was wrong. The second I believed him, only opened the door for his opportunity. He made it clear my talents were useless and I would not succeed in this life. He however, succeeded at pushing me back down and keeping me there. I knew I deserved better. So why did I find myself coming back to his trap?
I felt the weight of heavy chains on me. Holding me down. Anxiety poured through my body. I was being held hostage in my own bed. Not wanting to face another day. Thinking the worst and expecting the least. He was always there in the corner, prowling like a lion ready to devour me.
I woke up one day feeling like I needed a new start. I needed to remind myself who I was and what I was capable of. I pulled out my new laptop. I sat on my couch, took a deep breath and just typed and typed. It was my therapy – writing. It allowed me to transfer my crowded thoughts for the time being and place them somewhere else. It was a chance to see them from a different angle. To share them and see who could relate. This often granted me some sort of sanity. It was the first three paragraphs above this one that I wrote that day in March. But he knew what I was up to. He knew my plan to expose him. To show everyone his true colors – or lack thereof. It was that last line “…to devour me” when my laptop froze. The cursor stopped blinking and the already cracked screen seemed to have malfunctioned. My laptop would not turn back on. I guess he saw what I was doing and put a stop to it.
I gave up. Fell back down the second I tried to come back up. I questioned the direction of my career and prayed hard about it. One thing went wrong and I let everything crumble down on me. But something kept telling me "Write, write, write." After ignoring it for so long I knew I had to be obedient. I didn't want to turn this 11-day trip into a 40-year journey. I even tried to take my laptop to get fixed with hopes to retrieve what I had written. Hoping it had saved. Not that it was much, but it was a start to a point I had to make. I sent my laptop to HP in Houston on its warranty. I prayed it could could be fixed. They deemed it a lost cause because of the damaged screen. When I got it back, I never took it out of the FedEx box. I just tucked it away in my closet. Oh well. I tried.
I laid in my bed. Way past morning. Did not care to get up, but so tired of sleeping. I reached for my phone and played the first online daily broadcast by Joyce Meyer that I saw. It didn’t take but a few seconds to hear it was talking to me. It wasn’t just her reaching out to her mass audience – it was God trying to get my attention. “Stop throwing yourself a pity-party! Get up! Quit talking about it, complaining about it and instead go do something about it!”
The reassurance from her audience was audible, but the reassurance I felt was tangible. I could feel God’s Spirit working in me. What happened to me was more than a coincidence, in fact my mother told us to take that word out of our vocabulary long ago. God spoke to me. He promised me. I had a choice. Believe it and see for myself or ignore it, lie back down and believe the lies.
I pulled out my laptop from the Styrofoam-filled box. Hoping for the best, I pressed the power key. Nothing. Oh, I should probably plug it in. I laughed. How stupid. Okay, hoping one more time. What if they did fix it and just didn’t tell me? Would someone be so nice? I had prayed about it. A faint blue light came on. It started to load. Wow. Thank You! Now the only thing on my mind was – did it save what I wrote?
With time and with the ability to confront him – I broke free from his grasp. I told him to leave me alone and never come back. He left. But I was still scared he would return when I least expected it – when I was at my most vulnerable. Today, I still have to look over my shoulder.
He may have robbed me of pleasant days, of peace in my relationships and of opportunities I otherwise would have challenged myself to. He had such a paralyzing hold on me, my words and my actions. I did things so out of character when he was around because I was so unhappy. He poisoned my thoughts and my heart. He tried to take over a life that wasn’t his. And to know the entire time, the one that truly loved me never gave up on me. He kept His promises. He was there all along, waiting for me to glance in His direction.
To this day, that liar has dared to show his ugly face in many different forms in my life. I have finally come to terms with how to handle his devious ways and it is not as complex as it seems. Always be prepared. I have a warfare of Words. So, it is written.
“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. You adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” -1 Peter 5:8
The proof is in what happens after that third paragraph. I kept pushing. He did not devour me. The second I tried to expose the lies of the enemy, he struck back. I am writing this from my broken laptop. I have succeeded in finally being able to share it with you after five months.
The next time you feel like everything is going wrong and everyone is against you -- more than likely it is just your adversary that is trying to bring you down. What will your reaction be? You do have a choice. Become angry? Quit? Blame everyone? Lock yourself in your room? Take your situation out on loved ones? Or will you recognize the deceit and battle the enemy’s lies with Words? Just one letter short of Swords.
“I arise from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept me -- I arise to a new life! I shine [am radiant with the glory of the Lord], for my light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon me!” –Isaiah 60:1
Photo Courtesy: InGodsImage.com, WritingforRcovery.wordpress.com
