Ladybugs and People

For those that know me well, know I love tiny animals and have a serious case of cute aggression! Basically, I am Elmira from Tiny Toon cartoons minus the craziness. Well...I don't know. 

I was scrolling through something online and saw a picture of a ladybug and it reminded of my brothers. When I was little I would get so excited to catch one. I felt like I could give it the perfect little home with some water and grass in a plastic cup. But by the time my clumsy little hands tried to prepare that and actually catch it -- it would fly away from me. 

I would chase it and chase it. (You see what I'm saying here?) I remember my brothers would see how hard I tried and they would tell me to show them where the ladybug was. I'd show them. Then they would do something that made so much sense to me at the time, but today makes me cringe. 

He'd carefully grab the ladybug and under its pretty little, red-spotted shell-like body, he'd pull its little black wings off. He'd smile and say, "There now he can't get away from you!"

Photo Jamie Austin

Wow. My brothers are just so smart and they are the best! Just like that, I had a little beetle friend and was going to take care of it forever! 

On the other hand, now the ladybug was unable to take care of its eggs, unable to fulfill its little 1-2 year lifespan and unable to be a ladybug because of my selfish, twisted idea thinking I was taking care of it when I was actually harming it. But at the time, this was irrelevant, it was about me and what I wanted.

My brothers were teenagers at the time and would probably never do that again. I asked them if they remembered and my brother Andy said, "That's an easy memory."

And I'm just talking tiny bugs. But what if you're dealing with your own ladybug problems in your life right now? Whose wings have you pulled off recently? 

 My other brother Gabriel joked, "That's what big brothers are for. Too bad your favorite boyfriends didn't have wings." And that's just the thing. Thank God my brothers never pulled the wings off my ex-boyfriends just so I would be happy. Some people aren't meant to stay in your life. Some are, but fly away for a bit.

 

"If deep down you know you don't belong there then trust yourself. Don't trap yourself."

As I scroll through my timeline I often come across posts that deal with relationship issues, trust issues or insecurities about a loved one. 

Sometimes when we want what we want, we do everything we can to make sure it doesn't leave us. What would we do without them? How will our lives carry on seamlessly? It goes back to the cliche, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."

That concept would have been tough for my five-year-old mind to comprehend, but what it is today -- is quite simply great advice. 

I realize that the parallel I'm making is somewhat different when it comes to the innocent and childish intentions I had of simply capturing a ladybug as compared to a broken marriage, distant family member or lost friendship. But as adults we need to recognize we are fully capable of making the right decision, yet we still find ourselves running aimlessly with our hands out.

If you're struggling to let go of a person who otherwise wants nothing to do with you, you have to be an adult about the situation. Tearing their wings off and making them stay in your life is going to be more grudge and regret than peace and understanding. 

If you're holding on to just threads of what was once a quilted relationship, you have to let go. 

It's a miserable sight to see someone stay in something they despise and the other person to be content with just barely making it work. You're going to end up with a cup filled with wilted grass, dirty water and a ladybug on its back. Don't be a grown-up brat. It's not just about you and what you want. Think about other people. Are they happy?

Don't stay in something because it's familiar or what you're used to. Don't let someone guilt you into staying either. If deep down you know you don't belong there then trust yourself. Don't trap yourself.

Whose wings have you pulled off? Or is it yours that are missing? 

You shouldn't hold ladybugs hostage. 

So don't do it to people.

LETGOd.

Dancing with My Grandma

I stared down at the uneven wood floor. I was kind of worried she might slip. We were all in a circle, clapping, singing and dancing. Her feet were to the right of mine. Even though we were in public at a little Mexican restaurant in El Paso, it was okay that she was in her slippers, socks and nightgown. No one cared. I'm not even sure if anyone saw. 

*****

I went to sleep last night worried and scared to be alone. My dog was randomly barking as I was getting ready for bed. I had a strange, unsettling feeling. But I knew I could overcome anxiety with prayer. I was thinking too much. I heard my dad's voice in my head, so I got down on my knees to pray. I needed rest, but I mostly needed direction. Grateful for so many blessings, but I felt so lost. I needed clarity in my career, forgiveness for past mistakes and resolve in my relationships. I prayed for God's will instead of waiting on my plan. I got in bed and finally fell asleep. 

I could hear the radio in the background. I always sleep to soft music. It drifted in and out of my dreams. But the second my dreams took a turn, I couldn't hear anything but scanners, ringing phones and people yelling. I felt frozen in bed. 

I woke up in a cold sweat, but fell back into the same stressful dreams. I was tense. I knew I was dreaming, but the feelings were so familiar. A mix between school and my professional career, the pressures of meeting deadlines, male chauvinists criticizing my work, not making it to class on time and by the time the bell rang I didn't have a ride home. I was lost. 

*****

I saw her walk over to my best friend's grandma. How strange, it would be the first time our grandmothers would meet. No one else saw it, but her. My friend's grandma had tears running down her face as she swept the crooked, uneven wood floors. Overwhelmed and exhausted she said they didn't have enough help for the restaurant. As I looked around I realized she owned the place. I saw all the tables filled with guests and a line of people waiting to get in. But my best friend's family couldn't keep up with the demand. We didn't go there to eat, I wasn't really sure why we were there, but my grandma suggested we help entertain the crowd as they waited.

*****

I waited in front of the school as it cleared out long after the bell. I finally saw a couple friends and asked them for a ride home. School was only five minutes away from my house. She said sure, but she just had to stop in California first. What? That's strange. I could hear the soft music in the background again, falling in and out. Well, I thought to myself, it doesn't seem that far out of the way. After all, she was doing me a favor. 

On the road, the air was dry, cold and we were in the desert. I recognized we were still on the far westside of El Paso. This shouldn't take long. California isn't that far. But her car became so fragile, old and began to breakdown right in front of my eyes. We came to an unexpected stop. The starter clicked. And then...nothing. She was apologetic to us and said it never happened before. But seeing the door was about to fall off the hinges and the hood was gone, I played along and told her no worries, I was in no rush. But I knew, I really needed to get home. I just wasn't sure for what. 

The sun was going down. It was getting cold, dark and scary. As the car was smoking from the engine, the desert ground seemed like the better place to lie down as we waited for help. Except I didn't remember calling anyone. And where did we get the blankets? I wasn't sure, but I was so happy we all had them. How long would we be there? I needed to get home.

I stared at the stars. I could hear my friends laughing. Not sure why they weren't worried, but glad to hear they were at ease and in good spirits. In that moment everything seemed so different.

I felt so tiny. I felt so strange. The huge sky was about to swallow me whole. But I knew where I was at. I could see the mountains in the distance. I was far enough to be scared, but close enough to home that I felt a sense of peace. That's when I heard her voice and she told me it would be okay and to just be patient.

I looked up surprised as she grabbed a blanket to lay down with me. I was so happy to see my grandma. I didn't remember her being in the car. But however she got there in the desert with us was okay with me! I told her how much I missed her. I stared at her face, her curly dark and gray hair, her distinct eyebrows, shiny-blushed cheekbones and her floral-patterned nightgown. Just like I remembered. She wrapped her arms around me. I wondered if I had fallen asleep in my own dream. 

*****

The car started. We all packed in. I questioned if we left with one new passenger or if we had stalled out with her in the car. Either way, I was happy she was with me. 

As we rode back into town. The sun was up, it was warm and I felt a sense of relief. There was no longer a rush to get home. She was now behind the wheel. I took a deep breath and exhaled. I don't think I had ever been in a car with my grandma as the driver. But this time, I was. She was the same witty, stubborn and graceful woman driving with such authority, confidence and with such ease. 

We stopped to drop off my friend at her family's restaurant. I guess I never knew they had one, but when I saw the heavy burden it placed on them, it made me so sad to see her parents and her grandmother struggle. 

That's when my grandma let go of my hand, and yelled to everyone, "Let's dance! Just dance as you wait to be served!" 

It was a little out of the ordinary, but without delay everyone abided. We were in circles, laughing, singing and clapping! I stared down at my grandma's slippers and wondered if she had them on the whole time. Everyone was taking turns dancing in the middle. Strangers all laughing and dancing together. There was not a social divide that made it weird. Just pure happiness. My grandma was eager to go next. But she'd never been able to walk without using her walker or get up without assistance -- not that I can remember anyway. The wood floors were uneven and I didn't want her to fall so I grabbed her hand. Cumbia music was playing and I knew this adamant woman was about to dance like no one was watching. To my surprise she said it would be okay, so I let go of her hand. There she was, like Ms. America as she would say, drawing in all the attention, her smile, her contagious laughter and her body moved so fluidly across the floor. I stared at her. It was mesmerizing how happy and carefree she was. She looked so strong and sturdy. She pulled me onto the dance floor with her. I felt like a little kid again. 

*** 

I started to hear the faint music in the background again. I knew it was coming from my bedroom and not my dream. I didn't want to wakeup. I wanted to keep dancing with her. But as she slipped into the crowd, I peacefully slipped out of my dream. 

I stared at my blankets. My dog came up to me and just stared at my face. My radio was louder than I thought. I could hear one of my favorite songs on. To live like you are dying. 

http://youtu.be/XiOcW_YR1G8

   

There was no doubt my grandma came to me in my dream to remind me: no matter who, how tough the road, how lost you can feel, scared or how uncertain you are about what the future holds, approach everyday with gratitude, live everyday like your last. And then another song came to mind. Remember when one door shuts another door will open and when you get the chance - 

I hope you dance. 

     Carmen Fierro Campos 1919-2008