Mr. Right-Now

Approaching my thirties, still very young, yet feel like I may be on some sort of endangered species list, so to speak, when it comes to the last of my kind: An 80's baby without any...babies. Not married. Never been. No children. Single, yet trying to find the upside in the absence of what may be the biggest longing in our human nature: Companionship, comfort, security, happiness and quite simply unconditional love.  


Two serious relationships, the experience of meeting new people in college and a handful of awful dates later -- 

I've come to realize that love is one of the most complex emotions and experiences that we will ever know. One of the best and worst feelings. But should it be?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

                                                                        1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Heard that before? Hopefully, your eyes didn't just skim through it, but you truly took it in. We were put on this earth to love. There's so many ways to love. It takes on so many forms. It starts so early in our lives. The moment your newborn baby and you gaze into each others eyes for the first time. The unexplainable love for the two people who gave you life. The feeling you get when you see your first crush pass by your locker. The length a close friend goes to in order to put a smile on your face while it is soaked in tears. The tilt of your dog's head and wag of his tail when you get home from work. The joy in your heart sharing the same blood with those who shared the same womb with you as you were growing and the same room with you growing up. The butterflies you feel when a man gets down on one knee with tears in his eyes. Love.

But none of these reach their full capacity unless you love yourself first. If we don't love who we are, flaws and all, then we have nothing. If we don't learn to accept that God made us intricately, without mistakes, but beautifully inside and out - then we don't have anything to offer to those we want to share our love with. Simply put, you will not be able to see the full potential love has to offer if you do not love who YOU are first. Don't just love who you used to be. Don't wait to love who you want to become. But in this moment, if you seek true love from others, love yourself completely and honestly.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

I know times have changed, but love doesn't have to. We don't have to let divorce rates, this generation that is plagued with custody battles and cheating define our future in love. My parents met in fourth grade because my dad was best friends with my mom's brother. Almost 43-years later they're still in love. My sister has seen the downside to love, the hurt in divorce and the pain in moving on. Yet in her early fourties, she will soon celebrate her second annivesary to a man that has changed her life, her world and made a house a home for her children. In the words of George Strait, I've never seen her look so good in love.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  

But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13

There's a book my aunt gave me that has changed the way I feel about finding love when it comes to my next serious relationship. There's no deadline, ticking clock or weight from those around you questioning the absence of a ring on your left hand. I'm okay with where I'm at in life as a single woman and and have found I don't need to search for love. I don't need to accept any man that comes my way, that sends me a dozen roses or takes me to dinner. There are times I feel lonely. There are times I question if I will have children and those are the times I'm Letting GO of God instead of Letting Go and Letting God. His timing will be perfect and my heart will feel peace. But for now as I wait, I open this book and read:


It's not our job to search diligently for love as if it's life's scavenger hunt and we must not come out empty handed. The love of your life will find you when you least expect it. Perhaps it's someone you've known all your life, someone across the country that you otherwise thought you'd never cross paths with or the man or woman behind you in the grocery line of which you engage in simple conversation as you wait.


I believe I do have a soulmate. I don't regret the years I invested in either of my relationships. I'm not angry that 13 years later, I didn't see a return on what may some call an investment. What I did gain is the knowledge of what love felt like, what it could be like and what it shouldn't feel like. Without those experiences, I wouldn't know how to approach my next relationship whole-heartedly and knowing it takes hard work and dedication just like anything else that demands success.

Dating should be fun and exciting, but limited to those who deserve your worth and your time. Don't over-indulge your life with temporary people you know you can't see yourself walking down the aisle towards. Don't fill in the gaps of your love life like you would a resume. No need to explain to anyone why you are where you are in your love life. 

What opened my eyes, were the words of my best friend when I felt compelled to find love and in a hurry. I told her I was talking to someone, but didn't know if it could become of anything worthy. She said, "Let God guard your heart. Wait on Mr.Right and stop looking for Mr.Right-Nows!"

So right now, I've decided it's best not to be a part-time lover and it's best to let go of these almost lovers in my life. Real love will surface when we least expect it. True love is what we all hope for. Maybe it'll happen in my early fourties or maybe my future husband used to sit next to me in the fourth grade. But I pray whoever he is, wherever he is at, that at this very moment, God keeps him safe from harm, guides his paths and guards his heart...until we meet.

 A Fine Frenzy

"Almost Lover"

What to Expect, When You're Expecting...

Not a baby, I'm talking miracles.

This has nothing to do with morning sickness, trimesters or cravings -- but rather what to expect when you're expecting more from this life when times are troubling.

Take this moment. Think about a circumstance of which you feel is out of your control, a situation you have gotten yourself into that threatens to scar you for life or an illness a doctor tells you leaves you with only six months to live. Now breathe in a new frame of mind and exhale the overwhelming negativity this world engulfs you in on a daily basis. I hope what follows changes you, your mind and your life.

*****

Don't ever give up when life deals you a bad hand. There's always more than one way out. If you believe what everyone else is telling you is going to happen, you set yourself up to conform to the norm. Sometimes you may not be surrounded by the right crowd and their two cents may add up to nothing more than negativity and misery. Even pure reality gets in the way of hope, dreams and prayers. One of my favorite inspirational speakers/authors, Joyce Meyer, says it best: When you have a problem go to the THRONE not the PHONE.

While it's good to hear the advice of others or talk to someone who can relate to what you have endured, that shouldn't be your last stop in search of hope. It actually shouldn't be your first. Make daily pit stops with God. Check in. See if you're on the right path for that day. Speak aloud you're mess and await the Lord's message.

I have reached a point of maturity in my faith, where I can hear the voice of God. You've heard it too. But the key - is recognizing it. It sounds like my best friend's voice when she calls out of nowhere with encouraging words. How funny? How'd she know I needed that spiritual lift? It sounds like a voice on the television which seems to be talking to just me as I turn the channel at just the right time. It's an act of kindness from a complete stranger that looks at you like you've met before. Most typically, I hear the voice of God the clearest in complete silence.

It's time to break free from what's deemed the norm and patterns of this world and think positive beyond what your comfort zone allows. When you stay idle in life because you're afraid to take a leap of faith, you have fenced yourself in the ideals of this negative world. You stay still. You go nowhere.

The thought process of a realist is legit; conforming to all laws and rules. However, it's the life of a true believer that I want. I strive for. I know is possible. When I want something I get it and may I add - through the power of Christ.

When you're waiting for a miracle, sometimes it's hard not to give into the everyday realities and struggles of life reminding you, maybe you're in too deep. You've seen the results. You've read the statistics and you've heard history repeats itself. So why is your circumstance any different? Because quite simply -- you believe.

                               "We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight" 

                                                                                            2 Corinthians 5:7

The laws of gravity weigh us down. It's proven. If I let go of a glass vase it will fall apart and lay broken. But the laws of gravity must not hold us down. If I Let Go and Let God - my life will fall together.

When you roll out of bed mad at the day before it's begun, slapping the snooze button repeatedly and dreading the work or school day before your feet hit the ground -- I bet you're bound to stub your toe, spill your coffee and misplace your keys. 

Its the law of attraction. It's been said, what you think about you bring about. Your words are very powerful, so choose them wisely. A positive outlook on any situation in life gets you places beyond your highest expectations. My sister Monica, in her distinct and blunt way of saying things, reminded me in my weakness, "Remember you are a woman of God. When you wake up and your feet hit the ground you want the devil to say 'Oh Shhh! Crystal is awake!'" That's when you put the armor of God on.

        "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

                                                                                      1 Peter 5:8

I by no means, am not saying I don't fall victim to my carnal flesh. The ideals of this world. The temptations lingering at every corner or the negativity that drowns the airwaves and workplace. I have bad days. I hear my own complaints roll off my tongue too easily. But as long as I recognize it, and put a stop to it before it materializes into something bad, I can move forward and renew my faith in that moment.

“Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”
                                                                                                                    Matthew 17-20

In the Bible, Matthew takes record that Jesus was not the only one to walk on water. In Matthew 14:22-33 it says Jesus asked Peter to get out of the boat and walk to Him. Jesus said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

Peter stepped out of the boat and walked toward Jesus. When he took his eyes off of Jesus and took notice of the terrible winds and waves he began to sink. He cried out to Jesus!

Immediately Jesus reached out and saved him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?

 *****

A plaque in my room reads, "When Life Gets to Hard to Stand...Kneel." I agree. I have learned that Jesus will save me when I cry out to Him, but I have also found the favor of the Lord at it's peak when I kneel down, give Him all the glory and thank Him instead of using Him as a backup plan. That's when I see God at His best. Replacing my mess-ups with miracles.

It's simply said, but it takes courage! So I hope you do not conform to the patterns of this world (Romans 12:2) or let gravity hold you down. I hope you step out of whatever boat is keeping you from the Lord and may you give birth to a new outlook and attitude on life when you're expecting -- your miracle.


"It's honest to God the most important song I’ve ever written in my life, and it has the fewest words..." John Mayer on his song Gravity

Goodbye

I've come to terms with the word "good-bye."

 
I've accepted that no matter what situation I'm in -- the separation anxiety may come, but I will not allow it to beat me. Most good-byes are temporary and those that seem final are bound to come full-circle at one point in your life or later. Whether it's dropping the kids off at school or seeing your loved one's name inscribed on a stone -- it's never final, just temporary.

 

If I only knew that when I was dealing with my first big bout with good-bye, I think my departure from family would have been less heartbreaking and scary when I left my hometown of El Paso to attend college at Texas Tech in Lubbock, Texas, some 10 years ago.

                                                               *  *  *  *  *

I couldn't believe I was actually going through with it. My dad closed the trunk to his car and finished loading my boyfriend's truck. I was off to Lubbock for college. What was I thinking? It was too late to turn back as we headed three hours into the road trip. Why didn't I just go to my hometown college UTEP? Ugh. My stomach was in knots and throughout the road trip my anxiety took front seat.

My parents, my boyfriend at the time and his father were dropping me off at my dorm room. The weekend flew by as they moved me in. My time with them was brief, and it was time to part. I didn't know anyone in town at that time, not even who my roommate was going to be. The four of us walked slowly up to the dorm building elevators. They walked me to my dorm room one last time. Every moment seemed too fast.

 

It was in that moment I thought my decision to leave home would surely consume me. I told my boyfriend's father goodbye first, then hugged my dad so tight and tried to hold in my tears while hiding my face in his shirt.

 

No one had ever left town for college in my family. We were all too close. Up until the moment I graduated my parents supported my decisions in high school. Once I told them I wanted to leave for college -- they didn’t seem thrilled. The local newspaper interviewed my mother with a headline that read "Leaving the Nest." The article revolved around teens of tight-knit Hispanic families who typically tended to stay close to the flock when it came to choosing a college. My mother was heartbroken, yet was quoted offering her support and trust in my decision to study elsewhere.  

During my final good-bye with my mother at my college dorm, I could see her lips quivering and tears rolling down her face. She hugged me so tight and kissed me on the cheek. She stepped back, looked at me and told me she was proud of me.

 

Why didn't I just go to UTEP?

 

I was the youngest of the six. Her baby was growing up too fast. They left me in the hallway to say bye to my boyfriend. How was a long distance relationship between us going to work? I hugged and kissed him goodbye.

 

As they all walked away, I lost it in the hallway. Why didn't I just go to UTEP? My mom came back out of the elevator to comfort me and for one last hug as if we would never see each other again. I closed the door to my dorm room. Stared out the window and watched them drive . . . home. I regretted my decision to leave town. That was and still is the hardest goodbye I have ever experienced. I have had my share of loss in my life in other ways but not by my choice. When it's your own decision to leave, doubt sets in.

 

"Thereafter, I became good at good-byes but that doesn't mean they ever truly left my heart feeling good. Leaving just got easier and more routine is all."

It was just a couple hours before I was getting ready to go live for a noon show at my first TV job in Amarillo. My phone rang. It was my sister. I'll call her later. I continued setting up my phone interviews when my cell phone rang again and again. It's my sister. This time my heart sank. I knew -- I just knew something was wrong.

 

After two strokes in three years, my grandma was in her last moments as the family slowly filed into the nursing home that day: whether it was leaving work early and trying to beat traffic or getting taken out of class early to give Grandma one last kiss. They were all there to say good-bye. I on-the-other-hand sat at my desk eight hours away from where she was in El Paso and stared at my phone.

 

I rushed to the airport and went through airport security a mess: mascara smeared from crying. I was worn out but still hopeful my flight was not going to be delayed one second. In a way, I was hoping to turn back the hands of time.

 

I sat staring at my carry-on. I couldn't even remember what I threw in it. I was waiting for my airplane to board. Getting frequent updates from my mother and brother letting me know how my grandma was doing. Although my brother stayed calm with me, I could hear it in his voice -- I wasn't going to make it home on time. He placed the phone against my grandma's ear. I closed my eyes, as tears rolled down my face forgetting I was amongst strangers. I told her how much I loved her. How much she meant to me. How much I wished I could be right there by here side. Her stroke compromised her ability to speak. I heard her try though. I heard her one last time. Then I said, "good-bye."

"I could hear it in his voice -- I wasn't going to make it home on time."

I sit here writing this at home in El Paso on my parent's computer. Finished with college, I'm back full circle. I'm living with my parents in the room I grew up, in the room I once cried to leave when I first went to college -- as I wait on where my career takes me next. But oddly, this typically loud and busy house is empty. Half of my siblings were relocated for their jobs within the last year. For those who have to be away from their kids, it's especially hard when your kids are too young to understand the concept of distance and time.

My point: whether it's by choice or out of your control, good-byes can build you or break you. If it's an airport that separates you, a break-up, the military, your job, divorce, custody or death -- good-byes are a consequence of your own decisions past and present or just a matter of time. They are inevitable, but some -- only temporary.